i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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