I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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