8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
