Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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