even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
