I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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