i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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