he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That accounts for only three of the penises
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
