yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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