'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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