I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We need a shit load of segways right now
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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