I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
