I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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