I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
