dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
