So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
