He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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