I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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