Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
