Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
