i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
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I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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