i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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