So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
