apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
