My friends, they love my intelligence
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
