In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
