I didn't shave. On purpose
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
