I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
