my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
