do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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