i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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