Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
