She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
