I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
