we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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