i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
