We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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