I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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