I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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