I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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