i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
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the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
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Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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