apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
