last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
