that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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