She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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