Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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