he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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