We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
