Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
