Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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