Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
