she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
