taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
