You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
