dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just had sex on a roof
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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