1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
