As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
